Thursday, December 18, 2008

Moustache Wax

I was talking to a friend of mine on MSN when I noticed that he'd changed his display picture to one of him twirling his moustache... And quite the 'stache it was! I only wish he'd taken the picture in sepia, so the true nineteenth century glory of his mustachio could be appreciated.

I complimented it, of course. He told me that he needed wax. I suggested a standard tub of pomade, but then it occurred to me that he probably just wanted the novelty of having a container marked "moustache wax." I asked, and I was right.

Of course I was right.

I googled moustache wax, and was directed to the wikipedia page on the topic. It's a mere stub, but it does come with a recipe!

I decided to explore a couple more links, because making one's own wax doesn't supply the container with the funny label, and next up was Firehouse Moustache Wax. I don't really understand the reasoning behind the fire engine sound effects, but that's probably because I wasn't expecting it and jumped when it started. But I did not judge! (Well, not much.) I was on a mission! Instead, I clicked on the products page, so I could learn to understand what it means to look like someone who would tie a distressed damsel to railroad tracks while twirling a waxed 'stache.

Success! There was a review! Featuring this sentence:

I decided to heat up my moustache with the hair drier and I spread it through.

I giggled like the school girl that I once was, and went back to the google results page. And then I struck gold.

A few excerpts? I think so. 2007 World Champion Moustache expert Ted Sedman thinks so as well.

"I am a Canadian, Handlebar Moustache sporter. Have not found moustache wax, but have been using toilet bowl seal wax. This wax has no odour, spreads colourless, and does not cause potty mouth. Best part about toilet bowl wax is the price, less than a Canadian looney and you get about half a pound."

A true legend in Canadian bargain-hunting! But does it come in maple? How can it be truly Canadian if it doesn't come in MAPLE?!

One of our members used just soap when he ran out of wax but when the rain came down it foamed up and made him look as though he was rabid!

Yes, that is a problem. How is anyone supposed to take moustache-twirling and evil laughs seriously when it comes from someone who looks rabid? They'll be focusing on the potential rabies (and accompanying scent of Jergens) instead of the mustachio!

The other day a delightful lady friend of mine observed that I have recently become quite furry, which conversation rambled around to an old friend of hers from years gone by that used peanut butter, as an alternative to wax, for his moustache.

Now, this is just an example of wasted potential. He could clearly have rolled his moustache in seeds and used himself as a bird feeder all winter long.

Now those poor birds will starve. Shame on him.