Where my reputation for omniscience and I meet again

The Boy was working the other day in an old chemical factory they're turning into something else, tearing down a concrete wall. ("Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!") I didn't know that it was a chemical factory until I saw his concrete-dust-covered ass at the end of the day, and I mean that quite literally. Apparently his green cargo pants ripped just before lunch, and proceeded to get worse as the day went on. I didn't have my camera, so I couldn't take a picture, and he probably wouldn't have let me do it anyway, but the tearing started up near his crotch, and went horizontally almost all the way around his leg, as well as down the inseam almost to his knees.

It looked like he'd tried to turn one leg into cut-off short shorts and realized it was a stupid idea with about three inches of fabric left holding them together. It's a good thing that he wears his boxer-briefs like a good boy, or it would have been an indecent exposure charge waiting to happen.

"Apparently, jeans are the way to go at that place," he told me, trying to hold his pants up.

"Well, that's what they were originally designed for, right? I mean, technically it was for miners, and they were made out of canvas, but you get what I'm saying..."

He stared at me blankly.

"You know," I tried. "Levi... and the boat... and the canvas for the tents..."

"I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"You mean DON'T you know all about the history of denim?! Why not?" I teased.

"Because you haven't told me yet," he responded, shaking his head as if I should have known better.

Silly me. I forgot that I'm supposed to know everything.

A Box of Her Own

I haven't gotten my period in a disturbingly long time, seeing as how I don't appear to be pregnant. So where did it go?

At first, I wondered if I just wasn't eating healthily, but I weigh a reasonable amount. It's not like last spring when I looked a little skeletal and felt a little faint like I was living in the olden times when corsets were mandated.

I suggested to a friend that perhaps my uterus had fallen out without me noticing, like while I was sleeping. A stealth uterus, if you will. She compared it to Dexter.

Imagine, if you will...

A uterus, with a mind of its own. It crawled out to attend to its box, where it stores samples of semen from previous conquests like Dexter stores samples of blood from its victims. A box, with a box of its own. Although I prefer "a box of her own," because it gives it that Virginia Woolf feel. Imagine what a uterus could do if given a room of her own! Works of art! Photography!

And, of course, a comedically named festival celebrating turtles:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Cooters!
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Obama's in Ottawa! (GOP serves pork tenderloin for dinner in his absence.)

I was just browsing Jezebel and came across this post. Of course, I had to read even more about Obama's visit to Ottawa, and squee about how I've appreciated the same bakery as Obama. I spent part of the morning reading about it in the National Post, even though I felt a little dirty even touching the Post. I couldn't help myself! There were so many pictures! He looked so cute with our esteemed Governor-General Michaëlle Jean. Apparently, they discussed how awesome it is that they're both black. (That was not meant to be condescending. I'm totally sincere.)

There was also a press conference with Stephen Harper. He didn't look as cute with Obama. The whole relationship is still brand spanking new, so I don't feel like commenting on US-Canada relations at this time.

I read on and then clicked over to this blog post at Politico, where some of the commenters seem to be confused about why exactly it's hypocritical for Republicans to be lining up for stimulus money now, after delaying it for weeks with their incessant whiny brattiness. The argument seems to be that they have to pay for it, so they might as well partake in the pork chops.

First of all, let's get the snark out of the way by making fun of an idiotic comment.

wow the democrat who was whining about bush spending a trillion on the war in iraq your wrong it was 600 billion over seven years and Obama the great dictator spent that within 100 days !!!

Posted By: Garret | February 19, 2009 at 10:45 PM

Only 600 billion? Oh, ok then. I didn't realize that it was such a bargain! All criticisms withdrawn. Thank you for showing me the light, Garret. It's really too bad that I read this article in the New York Times right after reading your comment: Obama Bans Gimmicks, and Deficit Will Rise

For his first annual budget next week, President Obama has banned four accounting gimmicks that President George W. Bush used to make deficit projections look smaller. The price of more honest bookkeeping: A budget that is $2.7 trillion deeper in the red over the next decade than it would otherwise appear, according to administration officials.

It seems that the second Bush was even less honest than the first about the actual size of the budget shortfall. Lying about the state of the govt is kind of a dictator thing to do, though, isn't it? I don't want to block your righteous outrage with petty facts, though, so moving on.

As a public service, allow me to demonstrate why the Republicans are being hypocritical:

House Republican: "This stimulus package will not do anything to help and is a complete and utter waste of money! I must stand against it!"

The bill then passes, as House Republicans knew that it would.

House Republican: "So, can we get some of that stimulus money? It would totally help us out."

Simply put, the Republicans voted against this bill insisting that it was a waste of money and would not do anything useful. There were even suggestions that it might make things worse by breeding a population that depends on govt bailout money instead of working really hard to become Wall Street execs and make obscene amount of money bleeding society dry.

Now that it has passed, as they knew that it would despite their grand-standing, they're lining up to get that money because they KNEW ALL ALONG that the bill was not a waste of money, and in fact, was incredibly useful. I guess you could say that a lot of stuff in the bill was good, but not necessarily economically useful, and I would disagree and then concede the point. But that's not the tack that they're taking, as evidenced by this quote:

“This critical funding is vital to protecting our schools from budget cuts and teacher layoffs. Because Florida has been hit especially hard by a rise in foreclosures, unemployment, and recent natural disasters, we are experiencing a crippling budget crisis. Now more than ever, we must invest in our state’s future,” said the letter.

It's very clearly talking about economic disasters and the economic fallout of natural disasters. It is shameful that for the purposes of political partisanship they voted against a bill that was necessary for the economic well-being of their constituents.

That is why it is hypocritical.

Moustache Wax

I was talking to a friend of mine on MSN when I noticed that he'd changed his display picture to one of him twirling his moustache... And quite the 'stache it was! I only wish he'd taken the picture in sepia, so the true nineteenth century glory of his mustachio could be appreciated.

I complimented it, of course. He told me that he needed wax. I suggested a standard tub of pomade, but then it occurred to me that he probably just wanted the novelty of having a container marked "moustache wax." I asked, and I was right.

Of course I was right.

I googled moustache wax, and was directed to the wikipedia page on the topic. It's a mere stub, but it does come with a recipe!

I decided to explore a couple more links, because making one's own wax doesn't supply the container with the funny label, and next up was Firehouse Moustache Wax. I don't really understand the reasoning behind the fire engine sound effects, but that's probably because I wasn't expecting it and jumped when it started. But I did not judge! (Well, not much.) I was on a mission! Instead, I clicked on the products page, so I could learn to understand what it means to look like someone who would tie a distressed damsel to railroad tracks while twirling a waxed 'stache.

Success! There was a review! Featuring this sentence:

I decided to heat up my moustache with the hair drier and I spread it through.

I giggled like the school girl that I once was, and went back to the google results page. And then I struck gold.

A few excerpts? I think so. 2007 World Champion Moustache expert Ted Sedman thinks so as well.

"I am a Canadian, Handlebar Moustache sporter. Have not found moustache wax, but have been using toilet bowl seal wax. This wax has no odour, spreads colourless, and does not cause potty mouth. Best part about toilet bowl wax is the price, less than a Canadian looney and you get about half a pound."

A true legend in Canadian bargain-hunting! But does it come in maple? How can it be truly Canadian if it doesn't come in MAPLE?!

One of our members used just soap when he ran out of wax but when the rain came down it foamed up and made him look as though he was rabid!

Yes, that is a problem. How is anyone supposed to take moustache-twirling and evil laughs seriously when it comes from someone who looks rabid? They'll be focusing on the potential rabies (and accompanying scent of Jergens) instead of the mustachio!

The other day a delightful lady friend of mine observed that I have recently become quite furry, which conversation rambled around to an old friend of hers from years gone by that used peanut butter, as an alternative to wax, for his moustache.

Now, this is just an example of wasted potential. He could clearly have rolled his moustache in seeds and used himself as a bird feeder all winter long.

Now those poor birds will starve. Shame on him.

Because no one does like bad water. Especially not the fine people at this Victoria establishment:



For context, see here.